Why I hate alcohol

As I was watching a football game with my 8 year old son, a commercial came on for one of the most well known beers, and as I watched him watching the commercial, I felt an anxiety building in me. I asked him what thoughts he had about the commercial he had just watched and he said, “Well, it makes me want to drink beer.” My heart sank, but how could I blame him? The people on the commercial were having so much fun and looked so happy. Why wouldn’t he want that? He can even get beer cans with his favorite football team on them. And this is part of the reason why I hate alcohol.

I hate how normalized it is to drink in order to have fun. I hate how alcohol is the one drug that not using is looked upon more negatively than using. “Oh come on. Loosen up and have a drink.” Not many people have to explain over and over again why they choose not to smoke crack or inject heroin, but attend a party without an alcoholic drink in your hand and count how many times you must defend your decision. Decide to go from being a drinker to a non drinker and see how many of your “drinking friends” still want to hang out with you. Spending time with someone who doesn’t drink is threatening to the drinker’s psychology, and forces them to think about their own behavior. And who wants to do that when the goal is to escape reality and have fun?

I hate the effect that alcohol has on human beings and their relationships. I hate the false promises that turn to lies. I hate the irrational thinking, poor judgment, and the repetitive, emotion laden explanations it leads to. Let someone who is drinking feel they have wronged you and you will get 100 apologies no matter how easily you accept the first one. On the other end of the spectrum, let someone who has been drinking feel you have wronged them, and you will see the truly ugly side of humanity. If you don’t believe me, watch any episode of Cops and see what I mean. Ask almost any victim of domestic violence or child abuse if alcohol played any role in the abuse. You will see that alcohol brings out the worst in people.

Maybe it’s time we stop allowing big drug dealers (yes, alcohol is a drug) to brainwash our children into thinking that alcohol equals fun. Maybe it’s time to have commercials with mental health professionals explaining the dysfunctional role alcohol plays in so many people’s lives. Maybe we should have police officers, lawyers and judges explaining to kids the role that alcohol plays in crimes committed. Maybe we should make kids watch interviews of the families of the victims of drunk driving and domestic violence. These things will never happen because there is too much money to be made by continuing to convince our children that alcohol is good, not evil. Well, at least there’s that brief warning at the end of the commercials asking consumers to “drink responsibly.” Clearly, that’s working out great.

Many people will not like my hatred of alcohol but I’m OK with that. I’ll be the “party pooper,” the “buzz-kill,” or the Grinch who stole alcoholism. But when it’s your child lying in the hospital with pancreatitis, or drinking and driving, or abusing his or her children, or spouse, then perhaps it will make sense. Alcohol is evil, not good, and I don’t mean evil in any kind of biblical sense. I mean it is evil in that it ruins relationships and it ruins lives. And that is why I hate alcohol.

Like water

I often tell parents that I believe children are like water. Water will extend to the outer edges of whatever container into which it is poured. Water needs firm boundaries, and without it, it becomes an uncontrolled mess. Often, parents believe they are doing their child a favor by allowing the bending of, or the inconsistent enforcement of the rules in place in the home. What many parents don’t understand is that they are actually creating an uncertain world for the child. This will lead to the child pushing boundaries and not following rules. Kids, like water, will push to the absolute edge of what is allowed, but it is up to the parent whether that child continues to push past that point. Also, uncertainty and lack of consistency can create an anxious child who is unsure where his boundaries lie within his world. Kids need boundaries and consistency in order to feel safe.

Love your boys

Boys should be tough! Boys don’t cry! Boys don’t talk about their feelings. Our culture teaches young men that they will be valued for their toughness. Many parents, especially fathers, feel it is their duty to toughen up their boys in order to prevent them from being thought of as soft or weak. They don’t give the same affection, or freedom to feel, to their boys as they do to their girls. Those parents are wrong. Boys need all the same love and emotional freedom that girls do, and without it, their psychological development will be incomplete. So many of those “toughened up” boys grow up to be insecure men who are unable to exist peacefully and productively in this world. Jails and prisons are full of them. Loving your boys teaches them that they are worthy of giving and receiving love themselves. And that is the greatest gift a parent can give a child.

The anxious child
As adults, it can be difficult to remember the anxiety we felt as children. Even if we struggle with anxiety as adults, it is most certainly a different type of anxiety than we experienced as children. We may no longer fear the darkness. We may no longer believe in monsters or that aliens will come and get us. But we now know the fear of finances, aging, finding the right career, managing relationships, and so many other “adult” concerns. So how can we use our experiences and understanding of anxiety to support and love our children when they feel fear? How do we avoid letting the frustration of a child who can’t sleep turn from compassion to anger? I guess it helps to remember that no child chooses to feel afraid. Validate your child’s feelings and teach them to regulate their own emotions with deep breathing and positive imagery. And when we do feel ourselves move from compassion to anger, we should try those strategies on ourselves as well.

Embracing the new normal

For most people, the only guarantee in life is that it keeps changing. Not only do we go through phases internally as we age, but we also change jobs, add children (who also go through those phases), and deal with the ups and downs of finance, politics, loss, and other life events. It is rare for things to stay the same for too long, and when they do, that can present challenges of its own. The only way to stay happy, and sane, is to embrace the idea that life is going to change. Clinging to the way things used to be is a sure fire way to suck the happiness out of life and miss out on the wonders of change. So, today and every day, let go of your attachment to the way things used to be, and embrace your new normal. Embrace the beauty and novelty. Embrace the love and excitement. And when things are stressful, remember that tomorrow is sure to be different, and embrace that as well.

Get over it!

Suck it up! Snap out of it! Shake it off! Get over it! These are things that people say, or think about saying to a person who is dealing with feelings of anxiety or depression. Anyone who would think of saying these things clearly has never felt the overwhelming weight of these ominous emotions. When a person is experiencing anxiety or depression, often their mind gets stuck in negative places like a car tire stuck in the mud. It spins and spins while only sinking deeper, and then the fear kicks in with the thought of, “is this just how it’s going to be forever?” An effective strategy for people who are experiencing these emotions is to remember that experiences and emotions don’t last forever. In a similar way that night cycles into day, negative emotions usually run in cycles as well. Work to identify the areas of your life that need attention and set attainable goals to make changes where needed. Work to quiet the inner critic by focusing on the things for which you are grateful. And above all, treat yourself with kindness and compassion as you wait for the sun in your life to rise again.

Avoidance, Tolerance, or Violence?

One of the most gut wrenching thoughts for any parent is to think about their child being intimidated, threatened or bullied by another child. Most parents realize they cannot always be there to protect their child and that their child must learn how to handle difficult situations out in the world. But what advice is actually appropriate to give a child about how to handle a bully? We tell kids they should ignore the bully, they should forcefully say stop, or they should walk away. But what if these strategies don’t work? We can say they should tell a teacher but we know that usually only makes things worse. We can say they should tell us, and as parents we will meet with the parents of the bully, but that also is likely to make things worse. And, many bullies are simply modeling behavior they see at home so there’s that. We can tell them they should punch the bully in the nose, but then we are teaching our children to solve problems with violence. So, how do we protect our kids from those who need to put others down, or hurt others in order to deal with their own feelings of inadequacy?

“Recovery:”

The word “recovery” gets thrown around a lot in the world of substance abuse treatment and 12-step meetings, and I’ve never really cared for it. The word recovery implies that a return to a “normal state of mind” or a “healing” is possible. I’ve never met an addict who has healed or recovered. I’ve met plenty of addicts who have learned how to manage their impulsive thoughts and resist temptations. I’ve met addicts who have uncovered the psychological origins of their addictive behavior and found the courage to work through those issues in healthy ways. I’ve met addicts who have been sober for 20 years, but again, I’ve never met an addict who has healed or recovered. I’ve never met an alcoholic who has learned to drink, and think about drinking, in non-addictive ways. To be in the process of recovery leads one to think there will be a time when they will have recovered. I believe once those pleasure pathways have been stimulated, the brain of the addict has been changed forever.

Reinforce the positive or punish the negative?

Let’s start with the most basic fact of parenthood, children need guidance, and they are going to do things they are not supposed to do and not do things they are supposed to do. Social science researchers have been studying this issue for quite some time and it has been clearly demonstrated through that research that punishment doesn’t work and positive reinforcement does. So knowing this, why does it still feel so difficult sometimes to reward behaviors we expect rather than punishing behaviors we find unacceptable?

One big influence for me, and others of my generation, is that punishment was a part of our childhood and most of us believe it helped to keep us in line. Another big influence is ego. Ego says, “Why should I reward you for telling the truth when you know that lying is wrong?” But how can we ignore the research that so clearly demonstrates that punishment is not the best way to change behavior? And what about the psychological impact of punishment on our children?

It is my personal belief that there must be room for both philosophies. Positive reinforcement should be the goal but I also believe there are some behaviors that need to be punished. The challenge is to know when to apply each philosophy. As a parent who wants the best for his children, I have to accept that if I want to help my child correct unacceptable behavior, I will have more success with a philosophy of positive reinforcement than one of punishment. But, I must also accept that I am not a perfect parent, and there will be times I will feel the need to punish. I choose to believe that how I process my decision with my child is more important than the decision itself.

Taking the bait:

Relationships are filled with opportunities to take the bait and argue, or to resist and let the moment pass. Sometimes, letting the moment pass can feel like a very difficult decision, but if couples fought over every disagreement, bad mood, or stressful situation, there would be constant conflict, and that’s not good for anyone. Finding the balance between having the difficult discussions that need to happen and letting the ones that don’t need to happen pass is one of the biggest, yet most important challenges that exist in relationships.  Helpful questions to ask yourself at these times are: Is the tension here about me, or is my partner tense because of something else?  Is this something that we actually agree on, but are somehow miscommunicating?  Is this issue worth adding stress to both of our lives? If you decide that it isn’t worth fighting then take a deep breath, have a seat and let the moment pass. If you decide it is worth discussing, still sit down (adrenaline is toxic to conversations) and do your best to stay on the issue at hand and do so in a respectful way. Also, remember that you love your partner and converse accordingly.