Avoidance, Tolerance, or Violence?

One of the most gut wrenching thoughts for any parent is to think about their child being intimidated, threatened or bullied by another child. Most parents realize they cannot always be there to protect their child and that their child must learn how to handle difficult situations out in the world. But what advice is actually appropriate to give a child about how to handle a bully? We tell kids they should ignore the bully, they should forcefully say stop, or they should walk away. But what if these strategies don’t work? We can say they should tell a teacher but we know that usually only makes things worse. We can say they should tell us, and as parents we will meet with the parents of the bully, but that also is likely to make things worse. And, many bullies are simply modeling behavior they see at home so there’s that. We can tell them they should punch the bully in the nose, but then we are teaching our children to solve problems with violence. So, how do we protect our kids from those who need to put others down, or hurt others in order to deal with their own feelings of inadequacy?

“Recovery:”

The word “recovery” gets thrown around a lot in the world of substance abuse treatment and 12-step meetings, and I’ve never really cared for it. The word recovery implies that a return to a “normal state of mind” or a “healing” is possible. I’ve never met an addict who has healed or recovered. I’ve met plenty of addicts who have learned how to manage their impulsive thoughts and resist temptations. I’ve met addicts who have uncovered the psychological origins of their addictive behavior and found the courage to work through those issues in healthy ways. I’ve met addicts who have been sober for 20 years, but again, I’ve never met an addict who has healed or recovered. I’ve never met an alcoholic who has learned to drink, and think about drinking, in non-addictive ways. To be in the process of recovery leads one to think there will be a time when they will have recovered. I believe once those pleasure pathways have been stimulated, the brain of the addict has been changed forever.

Reinforce the positive or punish the negative?

Let’s start with the most basic fact of parenthood, children need guidance, and they are going to do things they are not supposed to do and not do things they are supposed to do. Social science researchers have been studying this issue for quite some time and it has been clearly demonstrated through that research that punishment doesn’t work and positive reinforcement does. So knowing this, why does it still feel so difficult sometimes to reward behaviors we expect rather than punishing behaviors we find unacceptable?

One big influence for me, and others of my generation, is that punishment was a part of our childhood and most of us believe it helped to keep us in line. Another big influence is ego. Ego says, “Why should I reward you for telling the truth when you know that lying is wrong?” But how can we ignore the research that so clearly demonstrates that punishment is not the best way to change behavior? And what about the psychological impact of punishment on our children?

It is my personal belief that there must be room for both philosophies. Positive reinforcement should be the goal but I also believe there are some behaviors that need to be punished. The challenge is to know when to apply each philosophy. As a parent who wants the best for his children, I have to accept that if I want to help my child correct unacceptable behavior, I will have more success with a philosophy of positive reinforcement than one of punishment. But, I must also accept that I am not a perfect parent, and there will be times I will feel the need to punish. I choose to believe that how I process my decision with my child is more important than the decision itself.

Taking the bait:

Relationships are filled with opportunities to take the bait and argue, or to resist and let the moment pass. Sometimes, letting the moment pass can feel like a very difficult decision, but if couples fought over every disagreement, bad mood, or stressful situation, there would be constant conflict, and that’s not good for anyone. Finding the balance between having the difficult discussions that need to happen and letting the ones that don’t need to happen pass is one of the biggest, yet most important challenges that exist in relationships.  Helpful questions to ask yourself at these times are: Is the tension here about me, or is my partner tense because of something else?  Is this something that we actually agree on, but are somehow miscommunicating?  Is this issue worth adding stress to both of our lives? If you decide that it isn’t worth fighting then take a deep breath, have a seat and let the moment pass. If you decide it is worth discussing, still sit down (adrenaline is toxic to conversations) and do your best to stay on the issue at hand and do so in a respectful way. Also, remember that you love your partner and converse accordingly.

Co-parenting after breaking up:

Choosing to end a relationship with someone with whom you have made a child can be quite a complicated process. Not only must you navigate issues associated with any breakup, but now there are custodial issues, financial issues, and issues related to how each parent will parent the child. Furthermore, one of the biggest benefits of ending a relationship is not having to continue to interact with your ex, but now that is off the table as well. Sadly, it is not uncommon in these situations for one person to use the child to negatively affect the other. Parents who choose to use a child to deliver messages or to spy will create a confusing and stressful situation for that child. Using your child as a weapon may hurt your ex, but it will hurt your child more and will lead to emotional issues for your child.  Remember the wise words that one must love their children more than they hate their ex. Also, never underestimate the value of just not being a jerk.

Wolf in sheep’s clothing:

It’s amazing to me how often people enter a relationship thinking a person is one way, but realize later that they are actually quite different than originally thought. I believe it’s a combination of the ability to deceive others and the ability to deceive oneself. Just like a good actor in your favorite movie, some people are really good at pretending to be someone they are not. They know how to deflect direct questions and behave in flattering and charming ways, at least for a short period of time. And then, inevitably, once they believe they have cemented their place in your life, their dysfunction begins to show. Self-deception comes into play when a person sees indicators of a person’s dysfunction, but either chooses to ignore them or to pretend they are glitches rather than stable characteristics. “He yelled at me but he was just really stressed at work,” or “she lied but swears she’s been honest about everything else.” The lesson here is to trust your instincts but also not to ignore the facts. While we all must accept the fact that we can be fooled, there are ways to limit the damage done.

When relationships end:

When relationships break down and two people decide to go their separate ways, there are many variables that can make that process more or less challenging. One such variable is the mental stability, or instability of the person who feels left behind. It is rare for both people to agree that the breakup is necessary or warranted, and generally the one who feels broken up with experiences more emotional challenges as a result. How that person chooses, or is able to handle those challenges greatly influences the mental wellness of both parties moving forward. Mutual consent is not necessary for a relationship to end, but it sure does make things run more smoothly. Respect your partner’s right to move on without you. Remember there is a big difference between fighting for your relationship and trying to ruin the life of the person you feel has left you behind.

When does use become abuse?

One of the most common issues that lead people to seek my counseling services is substance abuse. Sometimes the impact of concern is financial, sometimes marital, sometimes physical, and sometimes emotional. Often the question of use versus abuse is presented early and often. So, when does use become abuse? Simple answer is that it depends. It depends on the impact a person’s use has on his or her life and relationships. It is often a hard realization for a person to recognize that their use has become problematic and has transitioned from use to abuse. For those with the “addict” gene, this transition is often fast and furious, and deceptively hidden beneath solid excuses and social pressures. Only you, and your loved ones, can decide if you are using or abusing. But beware; the brain is designed with incredible powers of deception called defense mechanisms, including denial and rationalization. Sometimes we are left with one final strategy and that is to look at the evidence.

Why won’t you “like” me?

When you choose to share something on Facebook, you are likely doing so because you’ve had some thought or experience that you want others to experience as well. There has never been an easier way to share thoughts, feelings or experiences with so many people so quickly. So, when your loved one poses for that perfect picture or that perfectly funny situation unfolds in life, you grab your phone or computer and post it for all your friends to see. But, is it the act of posting that you enjoy, or does that enjoyment only come when others “like” or comment to let you know they have enjoyed your experience as well? For me, it seems the more personal the post, the more I find myself checking throughout the day to see if others have enjoyed it as well.  Sharing personal thoughts or experiences leads to a feeling of vulnerability and a desire to have that thought or experience validated by those who we respect. But how many “likes” or comments does it take to feel validated?

Effect of pornography on relationships:

My purpose here is not to spend much time talking about the prevalence of pornography on the internet, as those statistics are readily available and really, we all know it’s out there and the numbers are huge. $13 Billion annually in the U.S. alone, and apparently, porn sites get more visitors each day than Netflix, Amazon, and Twitter combined.  The days of having to sneak into the back of your father’s dresser to flip through the pages of a magazine are gone and have been replaced with only needing a few seconds of unsupervised time on the internet to find video clips of anything you are interested in seeing. The purpose of my writing today is to discuss the impact that pornography has on relationships. I will also only be addressing the impact on men, as they are by far the most common consumers of porn.

It probably seems obvious that viewing pornography would have a negative impact on most relationships, but what is that impact and why does it occur? The first and most obvious impact is that it creates unrealistic ideas about what a healthy sex life should be like, what sex acts a women should be willing to perform, and what a woman’s body should look like. Women in adult films are often young, fit and well endowed, and willing to do just about anything. This can lead to a lack of satisfaction in one’s partner in real life, and eventually to an inability to become aroused by a “real” woman. Erectile Dysfunction in men under the age of 40 is a relatively new phenomenon and coincides with the widespread availability of porn on the internet. As men watch their “ideal” woman, willing to perform any and all sexual acts, they begin to find only that type of woman sexually attractive.

It’s also important to discuss the impact of pornography on a man’s brain chemistry. As men stare at porn on the computer, their brains are being flooded with Dopamine in levels that cannot be matched by real life. The brain loves novelty and the internet allows men to surf through dozens of explicit images or videos one right after the other. This constant stream of stimulation produces an almost euphoric feeling that again, cannot be matched by sex with their partner. The average length of a porn viewing session is about 45 minutes, during which men stay in this euphoric, dissociative state of mind.  There is also the issue of Oxytocin, often referred to as the bonding hormone. When a man ejaculates, his brain produces Oxytocin, which helps him bond with his partner and feel a sense of closeness and connection to her. However, when a man ejaculates while staring at a screen, he is actually bonding to the screen images and not his partner. This leads to feeling less connected to his partner and creates an unhealthy bond with pornography.

Finally, there is also the issue of shame. Shame is a feeling that arises out of an awareness that you are doing something you know you should not be doing. Most men hide their porn viewing and develop a sense of shame that becomes associated with sex and sexuality. This occurs whether men view deviant or more traditional pornography. The shame that comes from feeling the need to hide behavior can create the same energy impact on a relationship as infidelity. This shameful energy can be felt by one’s partner and lead to trust issues within the relationship. It also creates a secret, and secrets are not good for people or relationships.

So, men, as you sit down at your computer and think about watching porn, take a second to consider the impact it may have on your brain, your conscience, and your relationship.