Tag Archives: anxiety

Faceless Giants

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I recently read an article that explained that people with depression or anxiety will typically pay $1000-$2000 more each year for phone, cable, internet services because they just can’t bring themselves to navigate the web of deceit and ineptitude necessary in order to get better deals on those services. After recently trying to navigate that web myself, I must say I understand those findings. Over the past week, in an attempt to save about $480 over the next year on internet and cable, I have spent 246 minutes on the phone. I have been transferred and disconnected. I have repeated the same information dozens of times. I have needed to be present at my home for two unnecessary service visits. And, I have had to travel to a UPS store, a FedEx store and a Spectrum store to return equipment.

Did I have a choice? Sure! I could have chosen to keep paying $40 extra each month to avoid the hassle of switching from one company to the other. I could have chosen to accept inferior service in order to avoid the hassle of switching back to the original company, who now by the way, has found a way to offer a much better deal that was only possible because I left and came back. I could have canceled the services all together and found a way to live without the luxuries of cable and internet. But in this age of online banking, online shopping, online billing, email, social networking and Netflix (yes, in addition to cable…#notproud), that just wasn’t an option that would work for my family.

So, in the end, we will have the television and internet services necessary to continue to live the lifestyle we have grown accustomed to, and even somehow to believe that we need. We will end up saving $240 on these services over the next year. We have been given $300 in Visa gift cards and free NFL package for our troubles, but at what cost? About six hours (phone time, travel time, service visit time) of my life I’ll never get back? Stress, stress and more stress while navigating the convoluted web of customer service, sales, and technical support? As I consider whether or not it was all worth it, I’m left with the realization that each experience I have with any of the faceless giants (cable, phone, internet, insurance, government, etc) who rule this world, takes something more important than money from me. It takes my sanity, my soul and my peace. Thankfully I have enough of these things left to keep my mind right, but so many among us don’t. And those people will continue to be taken advantage of, overcharged and overlooked, by the faceless giants on whom we all depend.

It’s not me, it’s you: One origin of hate

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It’s not me, it’s you: One origin of hate

When awful things happen, we are left wondering how and why such a thing could happen. How could one human maintain such ignorant and hateful beliefs about another group of humans? How could one human hate so intensely that he would sacrifice his freedom, his life, in order to destroy the lives of others?

When a person feels disadvantaged in some way, there is a tendency to resist accepting personal responsibility for that disadvantage. If I can blame others for my situation then there is nothing wrong with me, and therefore, there is no need for me to change. But there is reason for me to be angry. If I have been told, as my father was told, and his father was told, that my problems are because of a particular group of people, then those people become my enemies. If I believe that there aren’t enough resources for us all, then I must hate and destroy you in order to ensure my survival. And, in order to protect this set of beliefs, which has been passed down for generations, I must ignore any information that goes against my beliefs. Those ideas that conflict with my own are lies, made up by my enemy, designed to make me look foolish.

Generational ignorance and blaming of others, the belief in the scarcity of resources, psychological dysfunction, and fear all play a part in creating and maintaining hate. And it is very hard to change the mind of the irrationally committed, which makes this type of hate especially scary.

What if…?

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What if…?

What if? Those are the first two words in almost all anxious thoughts. Anxiety is generally created when we are thinking about some future event. Anxiety can exist in the present, but in those situations my advice is to run because you are obviously in some kind of danger. The reason we feel anxiety at all is to protect us from danger so that we may survive. So, when you find yourself feeling anxious and your physical safety is not in danger, you are most likely thinking a “what if” scenario. “What if” is speculation, “what if” is expectation, and “what if” does not exist…yet. If you choose to think about what is, rather than “what if”, you will be more productive and likely happier. “What is” really is all that we know for sure.

Don’t paint on my blank canvas!

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Don’t paint on my blank canvas!

When one experiences negative feelings or insecurities about self or situation, a belief can develop that others share that opinion as well. This is what is known as psychological projection, and it can cause a person to believe that he or she is being viewed negatively by others. When one applies meaning to words and actions of others in an irrational way (without proof), and accepts that meaning as confirmation that personal insecurities are being seen and believed by others, dysfunction occurs. When I say, “Don’t paint on my blank canvas,” it means don’t view my neutrality as confirmation of your insecurities. Don’t assume that I’m thinking what you’re thinking. It’s important that we seek to identify, understand, and work through our own insecurities and resist the urge to project them onto others. Don’t paint your insecurities onto anyone’s blank canvas and all of your relationships will benefit.

What would you do?

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What would you do?

When we read or hear about other people’s experiences, there is a temptation to imagine how we would have handled their situation differently than they did. “Well if that happened to me, I would’ve…,” but really that isn’t fair to the person who actually experienced it. When aided by the benefit of hindsight, we almost certainly come to a different decision than we would have in the moment.

One of the first things I say when I’m asked by a client, or a friend, what I would have done in any particular situation is, “It really isn’t fair for me to pretend to know.” I’m glad to offer my thoughts on a past decision but I’m careful to admit that one doesn’t know how they would react to any given situation until they are actually faced with that situation. It’s easy to look back and see where others have made bad judgments and to wonder how such decisions could have been made, but we must remember that the benefit of hindsight is only afforded after the event has occurred.

So, hold back your judgment and resist the urge to tell others how much better you would have handled their situation than they did. Remember that we all do the best we can in any given moment and we all make mistakes.

Self-pity

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Self-pity

Put simply, self-pity is you feeling sorry for you. It’s those times when life feels hard and you allow negative thinking to take over. It’s those times when you choose to focus on what is lacking in life rather than what is there. Self-pity is a feeling that leads to a lot of dysfunction. Self-pity leads to substance abuse, relationship problems, depression and anxiety. The medicine for self-pity is gratitude. Gratitude is appreciating the good rather than focusing on the bad. It is nearly impossible to feel self-pity when you are focusing on all the things for which you are grateful. So, when you notice that you are feeling down and focusing on the bad, take stock of all that you have. Be grateful and choose to think about the positive instead of the negative. Then, sit back and enjoy the change that takes place as your life becomes filled with more and more things for which to be grateful.